A Lesson in Facial Recognition from The Dude

1. CONTEMPT
brow and upper lip lifted
How to cause this:
It doesn't take much. Wipe your mouth on your shirt, that should do it.

2. CONTROLLED ANGER
tightly shut lips, flared nostrils, eyes squinting slightly
How to cause this:
Let her find photos of you and your ex girlfriend. If this doesn't work, tell her about the time you got drunk and pissed in her closet.

3. FEAR:
eyes open wide, eyebrows slightly raised, corners of the mouth
are pointing slightly downward
How to cause this:
Pick up the phone and say "Hey Diablo, I heard you were getting out in a couple months... Of course you can come stay with us"

4. SARCASTIC SMILE:
mouth half-open, eyes slightly squinting
How to cause this:
"I'm going to the library"

5. OBLIGATORY SMILE:
mouth corners are pointed in different
directions, lopsided smile
How to cause this:
Have your mom over for dinner

6. DERISION:
lips shut, eyes squinting
How to cause this:
Tell her that there is no point in staying in that cute bed and breakfast
when Joe's Budget Inn is 80 bucks cheaper

7. ASKING NICELY
lifted eyebrows, trembling chin
How to cause this:
Promise to do something, then change your mind.

8. PLEADING
wrinkled forehead, lips slightly open,
eyes wet
How to cause this:
Promise the same thing... then change your mind

9. BAFFLED ANGER
one eye squinted, jaw forward
How to cause this:
Tell her that you and your new secretary have a lot in common. And she used to
work at Hooters!

10. CONFUSION
eyes wide open, mouth slightly open
How to cause this:
Tell her that you bought her a car, it's a stick shift (manual transmission)

11. DEEP HATRED
face muscles frozen
How to cause this:
Tell her "No of course you don't look fat in that dress, but you COULD stand to lose a few pounds"

12. HUMBLE SUBMISSION
mouth closed, one eyebrow slightly raised
How to cause this:
As yet unknown, but comment if you think you know

--The Dude--

I just dont know

Is this surprisingly disturbing, yet arousing at the same time to anyone else?

My idea is this... I think that we need a man comic book featuring this bleeder (read: female) and her buddies the ketchup and mustard twins, and trusty onion girl. They can ride around in the pickle wagon and save bbq's everywhere.

Superman, eat your heart out!

--The Dude--

I would like to shake this guys hand...

GROOMSMAN DECIDES FOOTBALL TRUMPS WEDDING REHEARSAL

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I are being married in September. Last December I asked a longtime friend, "Mitch," to be a groomsman. We have been close ever since we met in middle school 20 years ago. Mitch and I were still close until about three years ago, when he married and moved out of state. (I was in his wedding party and attended his rehearsal dinner.)

Last week, Mitch informed me that he won't be attending our rehearsal dinner because he will be attending another event that same evening. He will be coming in from out of state and plans to go to his nephew's football game instead. He said he doesn't feel it's necessary to be at the rehearsal since he has "done it before and knows what to do."

I do not feel that Mitch has taken into account the fact that it is not just the formality of rehearsing, but that his presence means as much to me as his being at the wedding. He said he will be glad to step aside if this is not acceptable, but this creates problems, as I do not have anyone else to ask, other than someone I have no history with. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than necessary? -- HURT IN LEANDER, TEXAS

DEAR HURT: I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Part of being a member of a wedding party is to support your friend in any way you can -- and that includes showing up for celebrations and preparations.

It should be clear to you by now that Mitch no longer feels as close to you as he did before he moved out of state and on with his life. If you want him to be a groomsman because he symbolizes a period of your life, let him show up for the ceremony and stand up with you. However, had this happened to me, I would invite someone else to take his place. Mitch has demonstrated what his priorities are, and they are not those of a close friend.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to hereby nominate the following as man-law #18

Men will be given the choice to attend non-important events. Including, but not limited to; birthday parties, anniversary dinners, birth of children, the wedding rehearsal, and hell... why not... the wedding itself

IF

and only if...

The event is trumped in importance by such events as natural disaster, flat tire, gas, yard work, "the game", or a Clint Eastwood movie.

All in favor utter the words "Here, Here"

Men-ventions

My hats off to the kid at Duke University (I guess they are capable of more than blowing it in the NCAA Mens Basketball Tourney) who invented the beer launching fridge. Check out the video HERE.

I'm happy to know that whoever is covering the tab of his tuition realizes that this guy isn't wasting his time with biochemistry, or female studies.

This is what college is all about!

Check that puppy out. It wont be long until women are obsolete. Sex dolls are getting more and more advanced, fridges are launching beer, and you can't go wrong eating McFatty's for 3 squares a day.

Now if we could only find someone to bitch and moan about taking out the trash and how they feel that "honesty" and "communication" are the two most important things in a relationship. I would have opted for "sports" and "beer" but hey, I can't always be right.....

Or can I?

-The Dude

Man Laws

Rules for Men

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
b. After wrecking his boss' Ferrari.
c. When his date is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is five minutes. Maximum waiting time is six minutes

7. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. It is permissible to have a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

11. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

15. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

16. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice butt. Are you a Sagittarius?

17. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

How Men & Women Shower

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
   to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
15. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
16. Get out of shower.
17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
20. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
   
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
   
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
   
4. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
   
5. Get in the shower.
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
   
8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
   
9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
   
10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
    
12. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
    
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
    
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
    
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
    
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
    
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Women Only Parking Lot

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

Education at its finest

So I just so happen to "Stumble Upon" this today. Read Here

It talks about the educational system today, and administrators not wanting to fail students.

I believe Carlos Mencia says it best...





If these kids are half retarded and still graduate. Who is going to wipe our ass when we get older? On the plus side, they could always be president. I hear it doesn't take much.